James Dean – Owner, Mutualfund.ca – aka – The Mutual Fund Guru: A Shocking Revelation!

In a stunning turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the financial world, James Dean, the self-proclaimed "Mutual Fund Guru" and owner of Mutualfund.ca, has been revealed to be... a surprisingly well-adjusted, moderately successful investor with a penchant for slightly above-average returns and a deep, abiding love for index funds.

"It's... it's underwhelming, frankly," said Brenda Scrimshaw, a long-time follower of Dean's online pronouncements, which often hinted at arcane investment strategies involving lunar cycles and the migratory patterns of Canadian geese. "I thought he had a secret vault filled with gold-plated prospectuses and a direct line to Warren Buffett's subconscious. Turns out he just… likes Vanguard ETFs."

Sources close to Dean (primarily his neighbour, who once saw him mowing his lawn) confirm that the "Guru" persona was largely a marketing tactic designed to attract clicks and sell a moderately priced e-book titled "Unlocking Your Inner Investment Unicorn." The e-book, which promises to reveal the "one weird trick" to guaranteed riches, actually contains 75 pages of common-sense advice, 20 pages of stock photos of people smiling at charts, and a surprisingly detailed recipe for banana bread.

"The banana bread recipe is actually pretty good," admitted Scrimshaw, "but it's not exactly what I signed up for when I paid $99.99 for financial enlightenment."

The most shocking revelation, however, came during a leaked Zoom call (accidentally posted to Dean's public Facebook page) in which he confessed to a group of fellow "gurus" that he secretly admired index funds. "Look, I talk a big game about active management," Dean was heard saying, his voice muffled by what sounded like a mouthful of banana bread, "but honestly, most of the time I just throw my money in a low-cost S&P 500 tracker and call it a day. Don't tell anyone, though. My brand is built on the illusion of complexity."

The fallout from this revelation has been swift and merciless. Dean's Twitter following has plummeted from a peak of 12,000 to a meager 34 (mostly bots and his mom). Sales of his "Inner Investment Unicorn" e-book have flatlined, replaced by a surge in demand for books on basic index fund investing. Financial news outlets, initially eager to report on the scandal, have now largely lost interest, realizing that the story is simply too… boring.

"We were hoping for a Ponzi scheme, at the very least," said a visibly disappointed CNBC anchor. "Maybe some offshore accounts? Tax evasion? Anything? But no, it's just a guy who recommends index funds. This is barely news, let alone fake news."

Dean himself has remained largely silent, issuing only a brief statement via his website: "I stand by my banana bread recipe. It's really quite good. Also, diversify your portfolio." He was last seen mowing his lawn, looking remarkably unfazed by the collapse of his carefully constructed guru empire. He reportedly winked at his neighbour, muttering something about "long-term gains" and "compound interest."

The incident has sparked a wider debate within the financial industry about the prevalence of "gurus" and the often-disappointing reality behind their pronouncements. Some experts are calling for greater transparency, while others are simply recommending that investors stick to low-cost index funds and bake their own banana bread. The whereabouts of the rumoured gold-plated prospectuses remain unknown. One unconfirmed report suggests they were recycled to make surprisingly sturdy birdhouses. The geese, however, remain tight-lipped. Further updates as the, admittedly rather dull, story unfolds.